But, the final blog is going to take some time to write. I’m actually doing a lot of reading on the topic…both Biblical and scientific/psychological perspectives. In the meantime I’d like to hear your thoughts, opinions, experiences, etc. Don’t be shy. Everyone has an opinion. Now’s the time to share it.
I’m talking about sex. More specifically, “cheap sex”. What constitutes a relationship? And how is that different from “just someone I had sex with”? Do you feel that there needs to be an emotional connection in order for it to be enjoyable and/or fulfilling? What are your thoughts about the differences between guys and girls in this arena? Do you think there really is such a thing as casual or cheap sex? Or is there an inevitable emotional and/or spiritual connection that takes place regardless of the intention of the participants? Regardless of your past experiences, what would be one’s motivations for abstaining from sex until a long-term committed relationship (marriage)…if any?
Okay, lots of questions. Time for lots of comments. Ready? GO!
Well I guess there is not a brave soul in your crowd, so I will give mine. Before salvation, there seem to be a difference. "Cheap sex" was a spur of the moment thing and it was usually unplanned, or was because I did not want a relationship with that person. That being said, do I believe that there is an inevitable spiritual/emotional connection that takes place? Yes, I do. I know that there is. That (sex) was made for two people (who are married). They are sharing their souls with each other and the bible says that they become one! So with each person you are having sex with, you are giving a piece of yourself away.
ReplyDeleteI have been saved for the last 10yrs. When I gave myself to the Lord, I was in a relationship and the guy was so excited I had given my life to God, as he was "saved" too. But we were still having sex. Now, I was not in a "church" I was sorta going someplace, but really just had one person mentoring me. I wasn't telling them about alot of things I was still doing though, for instance, having sex.
One night when I met my guy for our rondevue, I was SOOOOOOOOO convicted about what we were doing and I told him I could not continue the relationship. He thought I was crazy but I knew better. I threw away my bc pills and did not have sex again, or kiss or anything for that matter, til my wedding night.
If you are still pure, YOU NEED TO WAIT! That is a precious gift that God gave you to give to your partner in marriage. All the repentace in the world will not get that back. Once you have given it out, it is gone. FOREVER!
I am really not sure why you have been thinking much on this conversation and I do not know your background Kelly but I would like to hear more of your thoughs. As a christian, I would think thingsa are pretty black and white.............
I've have close friend in my life that partake in all types of relational sex. With that being said I think there is HUGE differences between the 3 different types. They are "unmeaningful sex" ,"loving relationship sex" & "marriage sex". The first type I don't see alot of gender differences ( with girls and guys I know anyway). "unmeaningful sex" is inwardly focused and it's all about getting your needs taken care of and avoiding any real relationship. I'm sure its exciting but not only is it dangerous physically ( because of STD's) but it also skews your views of how a healthy sex life should be.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd type of sex is " loving relationship sex" this was a tough one for me not to indulge in. This is when you love someone so much and you have given them every part of your heart with TRUST and RESPECT for them. This was awful for me not to indulge in before Eddie and I were married . Because of the lack of "sex" I was often depressed and angry about the whole situation . ( I would have had this type of sex in a heartbeat at any point if Eddie would have agreed). And I understand this type of sex the most . When you are in love someone it's difficult not to want to show love in every single way. So with all that being said am I glad I waited... Sure .
The third type of sex I can talk about slot more because I have actual experience. The great thing about this sex is it is guilt free and the emotional connection cannot be beat. It's great to be able to express your emotion physically and knowing that this is something that you have only expressed with your husband ( and our husband has only expressed with you) if your virgins. "Marriage sex" seems to have the biggest gender gap I have seen or heard of in any of these types of sex. And the issue is the fact is after time women just need more time to get to the point that a guy can reach quicker. Often a woman grows to not like sex mainly because of this reason ( because once he's done the game is over). Note: no personal experience here.
I hope my rambling gave you some insight. I did alot of research pre-marriage also. At the end of the day you have to do what you think is right/ok and that's between you, the other person and God .
-Katie V
Sorry about the spelling errors I was typing that via iPhone . And the predictive text messed a few things up. -Katie Vansell
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input! I really wish there were more brave souls, Tami. I will write more about this topic in the future, and will include my opinion in length. But, just to quickly answer your question (and clear the air about why I'm asking), I am a virgin. I'm not researching this as a means to try and make a personal decision. My decision has been made. In the past, I did try to "research" to find out how far we could go without doing something "wrong". But, was convicted and realized I should instead be finding out how far away I could stay.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, the topic has just randomly been coming up in conversations and I've been intruiged and a little shocked by the level of apathy people have towards the intensity of the connection made by sex. I guess I hadn't realized how abnormal my decisions have been to this point. It's sad.
Reply from your friend, the UR queen....
ReplyDelete"Do you feel that there needs to be an emotional connection in order for it to be enjoyable and/or fulfilling?"
Yes, yes, yes. Well, at least for me. I have had quite a bit of cheap sex in the past, and it was all out of emptiness and confusion. It made me feel powerful in a way also. I knew guys wanted what I had. I thought that might boost my self esteem but it ended up leaving me with alot of personal guilt. I started dating a guy when I was 15, we moved out together at 17, I got pregnant at 18, married at 19, divorced at 22. Then I entered the dating world and truly had no idea what I was doing because I had been with him all through out that time when males and females are learning about these things. There was codependency, of course. When I had these cheap encounters after leaving him, I would always kick them out when I was done, too, lol. No sleeping in my bed. I'm going to tell you a little possibly too much info here to prove my point....I NEVER had an orgasm with these different people that I was not invested in, so even while in the 'act' I was thinking, 'why am I doing this, this isnt fun.' But, maybe some people really enjoy the thrill of different new people. Maybe there are alot of spiritually empty and confused people out there, and its ok to them. And maybe it is sexually satisfying to some people in that respect. But never to me.I think I missed being married too, but I didnt miss him. I was trying to fill that void.
"what would be one’s motivations for abstaining from sex until a long-term committed relationship (marriage)…if any?"
lots of reasons....to protect purity, to abstain from possible pregnancy or std's, to make it meaningful....Kelly, youre my hero =) sex has gotten me in alot of trouble. It is all taken as valuable learning experiences now, but man....Little girls need to be taught very early on about the power their bodies hold over the male species, and to protect that. They need to be reminded that sex will never equal self estem. I simply was not taught that. If I ever have a daughter, she will wear a chastity belt =)
I persoanlly see nothing wrong with sex outside marriage as long as it is in a committed relationship and for love, and these people having sex are at least 18. It is human nature. We have hormones and desires. Its experimentation. But it also needs to be self control, and well thought out. Thats just my belief, but I totally see why someone would wait until marriage. I know it is typical of some religions to teach to wait until marriage to live together or have sex, but I think you need to live with someone for a bit BEFORE you marry them. You dont know a person until you live with them. And if you live with them, you will most likely end up having sex, but not necessarily. You could keep separate bedrooms and truly maintain the purity.
Im rambling =)
Thank you, my friend from UR... ;-) I totally appreciate your honesty and input. I like that you pointed out that engaging in "cheap sex" made you feel powerful...yet empty. It's such a dichotomy, but I'd wager to say most girls have experienced that mess of feelings at some point or another. We do hold the capability of great power. And, it's so often misused. (I'm including myself in that statement, for sure).
ReplyDeleteEighty percent of young unmarried evangelicals between the ages of 18 and 29 have had sex. Many of my closest brothers in Christ are not virgins. I’ve dated some fantastic Christian girls who were not virgins. They all did it and they all turned out alright. So what’s the big deal?
ReplyDeleteSometimes, in weaker moments, you may find yourself wishing you’d compromised years ago when you still had the chance. Sometimes, it's easy to overlook the heartache you've seen result from premarital sex in your peers because its pleasure still eludes you. Whatever your conviction, it may seem you “have no choice” but to wait for the loving confines of a monogamous relationship.
But, despite it all, it’s worth endeavoring to stay the course. In one sense, this is merely a cost/benefit analysis. If you’re going to quit a marathon, you should do it after mile five, not mile 25. No sense bailing before the big finish. But it’s about much more than that.
“Sex should be saved for marriage” isn’t the only thing Scripture tells us. It also says God knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). It says if we wait patiently for Him, He will turn and hear our cry (Psalm 40:1). It says His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8). And, if all that is true, we should endeavor to run with endurance the race set before us (Hebrews 12:1), hoping for what we don’t see and waiting for it with patience (Romans 8:25). If, after 12 years, God still wants me to save sex for marriage, I have to believe those other verses still hold true as well.
Excerpt from Scott Fenster's "Tales of a 25-Year-Old Virgin"
Read the full article here: http://bit.ly/qbXrDI
Anonymous, I've never heard of Scott or this article. Thanks for posting this excerpt. I like his reasoning.
ReplyDelete