Home

I woke up this morning homesick.  For those of you that know my situation, you're probably thinking, "how can that be?"  For those of you that don't know, I am currently living with my parents while we work on my house.  So, I AM home.  I've been home since April.  But, I think I am homesick for the home of my childhood.  Not the house.  We never lived anywhere longer than five years until we moved here.  But, I long for HOME.  Seriously, what is that?  I don't think I know.  I want a home where everyone really knows everyone else.  Where there is transparency in love.  I'm homesick for the place where there is no sickness.  I'm tired of living with sickness and I'm tired of trying to love and be loved by others who are focused on other things than love...focused on themselves.  I'm homesick for simplicity.  I'm homesick for happiness.  I'm homesick for peace.  I'm homesick for love.  Does that really exist in one place this side of Heaven?  Am I wishing for elusiveness?  I don't know.  I'm just homesick.

A new leaf...literally...

I have PCOS, which stands for Poly-Cystic-Ovarian-Syndrome.  Haven't really gotten the proper treatment from the docs.  At least that's how I feel.  So, I've been reading about this thing.  It's related to insulin resistance.  Which, is crap cause that has been causing insane weight gain.  It's very disappointing and frustrating!  So, one doc put me on two meds for half of the symptoms and another doc put me on metformin for the insulin problem.  I have now begun to change my eating habits to a low-glycemic diet.  These are foods that have a minimal impact on my insulin.  Basically, it involves lean proteins, lots of beans, leafy greens, veggies, and fruit.  Today was my first day.  I'm using the book for recipes.  I cooked for a freaking hour tonight.  It was good.  But, seriously?  By the time I ate and was done cleaning it was 7:45.  Sheesh.  And, it's no fun doing it all by myself....

Someone told me yesterday that you can tell a lot about how good a therapist is by how well they keep up with their paperwork.  HOGWASH!!!  That was rude and insensitive.  And that's all I really have to say about that.

Homecoming

This weekend was my undergraduate homecoming.  I was asked to speak at a luncheon with select social work students.  How crazy is it that I am now the "professional expert"?  It felt like I should still be the drowsy student struggling to stay awake, hoping to make a good impression on the guest, knowing that the professors were watching me, waiting to see if I would have an intelligent question for the speaker.  And, I have to admit, I felt far less than the expert.  Most days I go home from work and wonder if I have done anything worth while, anything worthy of what a "Licensed Master Social Worker" should be doing.  Sheesh...send me back to school.

I didn't end up going to the football game.  Doesn't really matter anyway cause we lost.  lol.  But, none of my friends were able to make it in this year, except for the one who still lives there.  And, she had a birthday party to go to.  So, I spent some time with a non-EU friend who lives there.  And, I made a trip to the campus.  The game had already started so the campus was pretty quiet...barren, actually.  The changes were tremendous!  In just five years it has progressed so much.  Evangel is a private Christian college with the Assemblies of God church.  There were several new beautiful buildings and a new clock tower that sits where all of the sidewalks on campus intersect.  There was a verse written on the side of the tower.  I wish I had taken a picture of it because now I don't remember exactly what it was.  But, it spoke of being aware of what God has done, of all He has brought us through.  I know I'm a cry-baby sometimes, but I actually teared up when I read that.  In that moment I think I felt the most proud of my education than I ever had.  Sure, I was proud when I graduated.  But, I never really thought I had done anything that great.  It was school.  Lots of folks do it.  It was just something I did.  However, I am the first Vansell to graduate from college.  In that moment, looking up at that beautiful clock and reading that scripture, I was flooded with so many memories of the struggles I and my parents endured just to get me onto the campus in the first place.  No college fund.  No major scholarships.  No second generation student.  Everything was a first.  Everything was a new endeavor.  And I conquered.  By the grace of God, I made it, went to graduate school, graduated, struggled to land my first job, kept moving up in positions, and now I am back at my Alma Mater giving advice to current students.  Even now, I'm overwhelmed. 

The education I received at Evangel is top notch!  It is actually a fairly large and well-renowned University among the Christian sector.  But, I am aware that not everyone has heard of it.  My grad school was University of Missouri.  And, I am very proud and thankful for that as well.  But, in all honesty, many of the skills I still utilize in practice today came from my time at EU.

Well, I didn't really have an intended purpose here.  :-)  I am just so thankful and I guess these ramblings are coming from a sincere, grateful heart.   

What's my Purpose?

At church we've been doing a series called, "Servolution".  During these weeks we were challenged by the life of Christ to be more involved in community service.  Start a revolution through service!  Tonight in small group we were discussing our thoughts about how to find our "sweet spot" in service.  The question posed was, "What is your passion?"  The thought being, if you find your passion, then you find your purpose.  But, most of the answers to the question came in the form of blank stares.  And, I totally understood and could feel exactly what those blank stares were trying to convey. 

"I don't know what my passion is."  "I only get passionate about food, sports, tv, bowling, shopping."  lol. 

Been there?  Who hasn't?  I'm still there.  Am I currently doing with my life what I want to do forever?  Um, nooo...  Does that scare the heck out of me?  Used to, but not anymore.  I've realized life is a journey.  My ultimate purpose is to bring glory to God.  That IS WHY we were created--for His pleasure.  What can I do to bring Him pleasure?  The Bible says to "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Is my delight only in Him?  Okay, moving on because I could totally go in another direction here.  Gotta stay focused...lol...

In finding your purpose, in finding your "sweet spot" we often have this ominous idea of what we were created to do.  And, if we don't do exactly what we were created to do then we won't be effective to others or happy in ourselves.  But, the Bible says, "whatsoever your hand finds to do, do it with all of your might."  WHATEVER your hand finds to do...DO IT!  Ministry is simply meeting needs.  Whose need can you meet today?  At salvation we're all given at least one spiritual gift, but we are all given hundreds of skills.  What can you do?  Do it for the glory of God.  And, I believe that as we find things to do, we will gain more knowledge of ourselves and find where our strengths and weaknesses lie. 

So, it's been my decision to enjoy the journey, be happy in whatever I find to do, and do everything to the glory of God.

My Story

The other day I was up late reading through my OLD xanga blogs and I was actually interested in myself.  Sometimes I'm sure my thoughts only make sense to a random, ADHD mind like mine, but I like to think my life and thoughts are somewhat interesting, and dare I say compelling?  And, as I remember it was a great outlet for my many emotions and processes.  Maybe I won't have any readers, and that's okay.  But, maybe I will and maybe someone will relate to my story and be challenged to process their own emotions.  Even if that never happens at least I will have told my story.

See, in my line of work I can get so wrapped up in others' stories.  I listen to their stories, help them identify who they are and how they can improve, and I fear that I am being lost in someone else's story.  In a way, we're all intertwined and a part of the greatest story.  But, who am I?  How does MY story end?  What's the next chapter? 

While I'm here waiting for the grand finale' I am taking a break to take it all in. 

I am in Intermission.