Driving Miss Crazy

I have always been a pretty “driven” individual. You know, the kind of kid your mom always wanted you to hang out with. The one who, when in the fifth grade, made her first C on a test…and cried…a lot…during class. The kid who never did anything completely stupid just for the heck of it for fear that something would go terribly, terribly wrong. The teenager who took all AP classes her senior year and still felt like an idiot for not graduating with HIGHER than a 4.0 GPA. Yep, that’s me. Driven.

I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. I’m the only one with a Master’s degree—which I completed in one year thanks to being accepted into the advanced standing program. Oh, and I always interned at TWO places each year instead of just the required one, because I wanted as much experience as possible. Had to make the resume’ look good, ya know?

At the age of 28, I own a car, a house, a dog, and make pretty good money. I’m a “professional”. People ask for MY opinion. Judges want to know my recommendation before making a decision as to whether or not a child should be removed from the home, placed on probation, or sent to juvenile detention. Parents ask ME how to raise their child. Doctors consult ME on an appropriate mental diagnosis for a child. I have to decide whether or not a kid is mentally sound enough to return to school or if they should be hospitalized.

I’ve been published…twice. I have planned and executed new not-for-profit programs, which included writing the rules, regulations, training material, and curriculum. Students at my alma mater have looked to me for advice on how to navigate post-graduate life as my previous professors asked me to be a guest speaker to the top 10% of students in my program. And, what advice did I want to give them? “RUN! Run away. Go travel the world. Jobs will wait. Careers will wait. Spouses will wait. Just GO! BE! DO! EXPERIENCE!” But, instead, I gave them what sounded good. I challenged them to be driven. Achieve. Learn. Oh, and here’s “Ten Steps to Land that First Big Job.”

There’s a part of me that still feels less than accomplished. I hear about what other twenty and thirty-somethings are doing and I don’t measure up. Why don’t I have my own business? Why aren’t I married to the most successful man in town? Since I don’t have a family of my own yet, how come I’m not taking full advantage of this time by starting an orphanage? Surely I should be thriving even more, living downtown of a big city, climbing the corporate ladder, saving the world. That’s one side of me. I call her “Miss Driven”. But, lately Miss Driven has been tired. Tired of being driven. Tired of accomplishing. Tired of it never being enough. It’s driving me crazy!

Today at work, as I was too busy all day to even take a lunch break, I kept having images of me running away. I thought about how wonderful it would be to not be so tied down with a career, house payments, and responsibilities. I know what you’re thinking…”Kelly, that’s life.” But, who said? Seriously. Who decided that in order to be “successful” and a “mature adult” a person had to have so many responsibilities that he or she doesn’t even have the time and extra money to have fun? In the last week I’ve thought more about going back to work in retail, or back as a barista in the coffee shop than I have about how to become a better therapist. But, then of course I think about how that would be an epic waste of all the time and money that went into all of my “accomplishments” and it makes me feel guilty for even entertaining those “frivolous” and “irresponsible” thoughts.

I want to be laid back. And, I want to be surrounded by people who find it completely acceptable to be laid back. I want to be rewarded for how much time I spend being creative instead of for how much overtime I work. I want to take a year off from the job to write a book. I want to be in a big theatrical music production. I want to be free to have lunch on my patio. I want to decorate people’s houses. I want to plan weddings. I want to be in a band, and travel. Lately, I have been living for Sundays. I know that as a “good Christian girl” I should enjoy going to church. But, it’s not even so much the enjoyment of going to church that I look forward to as it is the simple thrill of worshipping God, leading others into His presence, and watching them enjoy it as well. Why can’t THAT be my job?

I commend those people who are doing what they love even if society calls them “irresponsible” or “selfish”—even if they live on next to nothing. Maybe they’re the ones that have it figured out. What if all of my efforts and accomplishments lead to little more than stress and lost time? Maybe I should start a support group for people like me. “Hello. My name is Crazy. And, I’m driven.”