I'm Not Enough -Part 2

I closed part 1 with a list of questions that accompany the intense personality clash in which I find myself. There are several very solid characteristic strengths associated with the negotiating and exploring personalities. But, when those questions are played repeatedly, they very easily lead to insecurity. Weakness.

This assessment (as referenced in part 1) identified the three biggest weaknesses as:
1. Indecisiveness due to my ability to see many angles.
2. The need to please can make me placating and my trusting nature can make me gullible (which can lead to codependency).
3. When I feel betrayed, I can be unforgiving and hold a grudge for too long.

And, boy, are they right. Since being challenged to improve my critical thinking in college, I have been able to make more decisive and emotionally detached choices in recent years. Yet, still so often I find myself in an internal argument about what to do or how to think about a situation. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I know I rely too heavily on those primary relationships (who are decisive, tough-minded, and direct) to make decisions for me. Besides, I find my fulfillment in making others happy. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy. So I find a need. And I try. And I try. And I try to fix it. Sometimes I’m able to help. And it’s wonderful. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, there are things/people that just can’t be fixed with human effort. Sometimes they say no. Reference #3 above.

It’s in those times when I realize all of my passion; all of my intuitive, compassionate, empathetic, imaginative altruism is just not enough. Sometimes, things just need time. Maybe some things, no matter how idealistic they may seem, just aren’t meant to be. I often forget that my ability to be introspective and problem solve by looking at the big picture, coupled with ability to be flexible so that all parties “win” and my impulsiveness to see a quick change, motivate me to desire and search for a quick resolution. An intensive week of this passionate desire for improvement can bring results that could otherwise take months. This could be a huge strength—and an even bigger weakness. It triggers impatience, frustration, heartache, and feelings of failure and helplessness.

Words can’t adequately describe the angst I experience when I can see the resolution. I know how to get there. But, I just can’t. If I see someone hurting, because of my empathy, I hurt too. I can be with them for a short time. But, eventually (usually more quickly than they are ready) I’ve processed it. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to make it better. But what if I can’t? I have yet to learn how to completely take my hands off of a situation and allow whatever needs to happen. I struggle with the wait. Maybe it’s that there are things out of my control working against me and there’s nothing I can do. Maybe it’s just not time. I’ve found when I’m faced with these kinds of situations, the harder I try to make things better, the worse they get. Why? Because, I’m not enough. It’s so easy to feel depressed about that. It’s natural to feel like a failure. The reality is I DO fail. But, that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.

I’m not enough to make someone happy. I’m not enough to provide for everyone’s needs. I’m not enough to always keep the peace. I’m not enough to change the world. I’m not enough. I’m not enough. I’M NOT ENOUGH!!! I never will be. I wasn’t created to be. And, I’m learning to be okay with that.