What Are You Waiting For?

What are you waiting for? What do you desire? Have you ever complained about not having that object of desire? Or do you always show complete even- temperedness knowing that it will happen at the best time possible? I don’t.

God has been speaking to me about patience this week. I don’t know why because I think I’ve been pretty patient over the years as I wait for certain things to transpire in my life. However, I’m realizing that perhaps I haven’t had the best understanding of what supernatural patience means. I looked up the definition of patience and this is what it says:

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

Sheesh. Maybe that’s it. That word “restlessness” resonates with me big time. Has anyone else ever experienced that? It’s a horrible feeling! It’s that gnawing, nervous feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. Like you know that something is supposed to be happening. Maybe you have high expectations and know exactly what you’re waiting for. And, maybe you have no idea, other than the fact that SOMETHING is coming; surely there’s something more than what you have now.

Two weeks ago I had surgery. It was necessary to stop the chronic pain I was having. But, I knew the healing process would be long and uncomfortable. I had to endure the pain of healing in order to know what it feels like to be whole again. Those first few days were tough. It hurt. I didn’t know if I could make it to recovery. I didn’t know if I WANTED to endure anymore. But, I had no choice. I was in the midst of healing. I just had to wait a little longer to realize it.

Have you ever found yourself praying something like this, “God, let your will be done in my life. But, if you could hurry up and show me what that is and what I need to do to get it—that would be great.” I have. How do we exercise true, supernatural patience? In my women’s daily devotional this week, Rachel Olsen describes patience like this:

• “Exercising patience isn’t just an exercise of the human will. The kind of patience Paul is talking about (in Col. 1:11) is a fruit of the Spirit developed in a woman’s soul in tandem with God. It’s a virtue that grows from her confidence in the sovereignty of God and His ability to bring all things to completion, in His timing, in a way that benefits His children and glorifies Him.” (emphasis mine)

So, if I get irritated with the wait, lose my temper, complain, or feel restless, am I demonstrating confidence in God’s sovereignty? If I really and truly believe that God is able to bring all things to completion in His timing, and for my benefit, then why should I be restless? It’s not my timing. It’s not my plan. It’s His.

Do I have confidence in God’s sovereignty? Yes. Do I believe He is working things out and loves me enough to give me the best? Yes. Then I must wait. Patiently.

Let this be your encouragement, friend. Whatever it is you are waiting on or for, turn your attention away from the restlessness and focus on the sovereignty of God. He sees. He knows. Remember that He is able. He created the Universe. He created you. He is working things out for his glory and your benefit.

Ecc. 7:8 “Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride.”

Rom. 15:15 “May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other—each with the attitude of Christ Jesus toward the other.”

Col. 1:11 “We also pray that you will be strengthened with this glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need.”

Oooo...Say it Again

Thanks for reading my blog. Really, I appreciate anyone who is interested enough in my randomness to make it through these musings. But, I just need to set this one up by saying, please don’t give me advice on this topic. Please don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong or what I should try. Don’t bother giving me the latest, “Ten Ways to…” because I’m sure I’ve already read that book. No opinions needed. Please DO share your story, your struggles, your personal thoughts. If we’re going to be real, let’s ALL be real. Because I’d wager that nobody is an expert in this field. Heck, I’m supposed to be the “expert” here.

I’m talking about relationships. Specifically, relationships with the opposite gender.

Dating. Ooooo…say it again. Dating. (Lion King reference for you who share my affinity for random movie quotes.) And, that’s the exact emotion that word evokes in me. “Oooo…say it again.” I LOVE to go out. I LOVE to be taken-out. But, I HATE dating. Actually, loathe would be a better word. Disgust, really. Dread. I think you get the picture. I hate the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to this person I hardly know. Believe it or not, I’m not the best at carrying a conversation. Sure, I can start one. I’m pretty good at those short verbal cues that encourage the other person to keep talking. But, please don’t ask me to tell you about myself. It makes me feel like I’m at a job interview. Here, let me tell you all the wonderful things about me so hopefully I’ll get a call back for a second interview. No thank you.

So, this probably makes you think I’m doomed to being single forever. But, I don’t understand why it has to be done like this. I like to just hang out. I like to get to know someone on a low-level of disclosure basis before the first date. I’ve always carried the belief that the best relationships come from the best friendships. And, any good marriage that I’ve seen, the couple will tell you that the other person is his/her best friend. Not that I would know personally. Every relationship I’ve had like this ends up with me being in the worst place possible. The. Friend. Zone. There’s no return. Once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone. I don’t understand why the physical attraction and “magic” has to come before the friendship. If a guy and girl are great friends, enjoy each other’s company, and know the crap about each other and still care for each other, then why not “try” a relationship at that point? If the friendship is strong enough, it’d survive a possible break-up. But, this obviously isn’t how it’s supposed to work. At least not for me. Have you seen that movie, “Made of Honor”? Yeah, that’s my life. Well, other than the whole going to Ireland and falling in love thing. HA!

Maybe I’m not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I don’t have the stuff it takes to “flirt”, “hook-em”, and all that other crap I guess a girl is supposed to do. I just want to spend time with someone, have some fun, and possibly have them look at me as something more than “just one of the guys”.

Maybe I don’t know what I want.

Driving Miss Crazy

I have always been a pretty “driven” individual. You know, the kind of kid your mom always wanted you to hang out with. The one who, when in the fifth grade, made her first C on a test…and cried…a lot…during class. The kid who never did anything completely stupid just for the heck of it for fear that something would go terribly, terribly wrong. The teenager who took all AP classes her senior year and still felt like an idiot for not graduating with HIGHER than a 4.0 GPA. Yep, that’s me. Driven.

I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. I’m the only one with a Master’s degree—which I completed in one year thanks to being accepted into the advanced standing program. Oh, and I always interned at TWO places each year instead of just the required one, because I wanted as much experience as possible. Had to make the resume’ look good, ya know?

At the age of 28, I own a car, a house, a dog, and make pretty good money. I’m a “professional”. People ask for MY opinion. Judges want to know my recommendation before making a decision as to whether or not a child should be removed from the home, placed on probation, or sent to juvenile detention. Parents ask ME how to raise their child. Doctors consult ME on an appropriate mental diagnosis for a child. I have to decide whether or not a kid is mentally sound enough to return to school or if they should be hospitalized.

I’ve been published…twice. I have planned and executed new not-for-profit programs, which included writing the rules, regulations, training material, and curriculum. Students at my alma mater have looked to me for advice on how to navigate post-graduate life as my previous professors asked me to be a guest speaker to the top 10% of students in my program. And, what advice did I want to give them? “RUN! Run away. Go travel the world. Jobs will wait. Careers will wait. Spouses will wait. Just GO! BE! DO! EXPERIENCE!” But, instead, I gave them what sounded good. I challenged them to be driven. Achieve. Learn. Oh, and here’s “Ten Steps to Land that First Big Job.”

There’s a part of me that still feels less than accomplished. I hear about what other twenty and thirty-somethings are doing and I don’t measure up. Why don’t I have my own business? Why aren’t I married to the most successful man in town? Since I don’t have a family of my own yet, how come I’m not taking full advantage of this time by starting an orphanage? Surely I should be thriving even more, living downtown of a big city, climbing the corporate ladder, saving the world. That’s one side of me. I call her “Miss Driven”. But, lately Miss Driven has been tired. Tired of being driven. Tired of accomplishing. Tired of it never being enough. It’s driving me crazy!

Today at work, as I was too busy all day to even take a lunch break, I kept having images of me running away. I thought about how wonderful it would be to not be so tied down with a career, house payments, and responsibilities. I know what you’re thinking…”Kelly, that’s life.” But, who said? Seriously. Who decided that in order to be “successful” and a “mature adult” a person had to have so many responsibilities that he or she doesn’t even have the time and extra money to have fun? In the last week I’ve thought more about going back to work in retail, or back as a barista in the coffee shop than I have about how to become a better therapist. But, then of course I think about how that would be an epic waste of all the time and money that went into all of my “accomplishments” and it makes me feel guilty for even entertaining those “frivolous” and “irresponsible” thoughts.

I want to be laid back. And, I want to be surrounded by people who find it completely acceptable to be laid back. I want to be rewarded for how much time I spend being creative instead of for how much overtime I work. I want to take a year off from the job to write a book. I want to be in a big theatrical music production. I want to be free to have lunch on my patio. I want to decorate people’s houses. I want to plan weddings. I want to be in a band, and travel. Lately, I have been living for Sundays. I know that as a “good Christian girl” I should enjoy going to church. But, it’s not even so much the enjoyment of going to church that I look forward to as it is the simple thrill of worshipping God, leading others into His presence, and watching them enjoy it as well. Why can’t THAT be my job?

I commend those people who are doing what they love even if society calls them “irresponsible” or “selfish”—even if they live on next to nothing. Maybe they’re the ones that have it figured out. What if all of my efforts and accomplishments lead to little more than stress and lost time? Maybe I should start a support group for people like me. “Hello. My name is Crazy. And, I’m driven.”

Respect

Today one of my fourth grade clients opened the door for me.  I felt very respected and proud of him.  The principal also told me thank you for my work (for the first time).  Of course, this thank you was after a HUGE misunderstanding and a "problematic interaction" that happened last week.  Nevertheless, these are the things I appreciate about today.

Thankful

I am thankful for:
my family
friends
my first house
my canine companion, Boo
being the first in the family to graduate from college
a good job
a car that doesn't break down all the time
my heritage
sunny days
brownies :-)
change of seasons
the many life lessons that have made me who I am
high culture experiences
down home country experiences
a bed in which to sleep (I've been without this many times in life)
the knowledge and faith that my health will improve
random silly things that make me laugh
time off work
the thousands of people I've met through my life
the functioning of all my senses that allow me to enjoy these things
my salvation experience and spiritual faith that is constantly being challenging and strengthened.

More to come...

Don't Crowd Me

I don't like crowds.  More specifically, I don't like crowds of people who I know in a setting where I'm expected to mingle and have continuing conversations...aka...a party.  Weird thing is, I like throwing parties.  I like hosting.  I love planning large events.  But, I'd rather throw it and watch other people get to know each other.  I don't like not having to do anything at the event other than make nice.  I know that makes me sound horrible.  And, I don't know why I'm like this.  There's times when I'm so lonely it hurts.  But, I'd rather just "hang out" with a couple of people.  Even if we go to a crowded place.  I can even effectively and enjoyably meet new people in a large crowd...as long as I don't have to have a long conversation with them about myself.

Actually, I can probably guess why this is.  It's not something I like to think about.  And, I'm not sure that I want it to change.  But, I know I'm often misinterpreted as a snob, boring, upity, or standoffish.  And, I know I don't want to be seen as that kind of person.

Quick! HIDE!!!

My birthday's tomorrow.  If I don't go to sleep, isn't it still technically today?  Ergo, tomorrow doesn't happen.  Ergo, my birthday doesn't happen.  Ergo, I don't get older.  I think I like it.