Christmas Without Candy

For the last six years I have made multiple batches of cinnamon candy for Christmas. For the last four years I have sent out Christmas cards. This year there are no cards. And, although back in October I bought ingredients to make 7 batches of candy, I will only be making one or two (because I promised an elderly lady at church). So, if you're used to getting these things from me, please don't think I just forgot you. Not doing these things was a choice to reduce the stress in my life. The last two months have been tough professionally, personally, emotionally, and physically. Normally, I would react to these kinds of stressors and disappointments by staying busy, adding more responsibilities, and setting new goals. But, I decided to act counterintuitively and remove as much busyness as possible so that I can experience all of the lessons this time will bring. And it's been difficult to stick with my decision. 

I've always loved the Christmas season and enjoy doing the typical "Christmasy" kinds of stuff. I think those things have their place for fun and to spread joy and connectedness. So, on one hand I feel as though I've somehow missed the entire month of December. I actually just changed my office calendar from November today. Oops. But, I feel like this has been a good exercise in simplicity. My prayer is to become more aware of the silence. The small miracles. The basics. After all, isn't that how Christmas started? In the dark. In the silence. In the simplicity of a manger. No Christmas tree. No decorations. No candy, greeting cards, or parties. Just Life. And the promise of a lifetime of fresh starts. 

So...Happy Birthday, Savior. And a Fresh Start to all of you. 

You Make a Difference!

Okay, friends! The time has come to start casting your DAILY votes.

If you don't know what I'm referring to, I have entered the maurices Main Street Model search. Mainly because the 12 finalists each receive $7500 for a local charity of her choice. I chose my church, House of Praise (HOP). The money would be used to further the community outreach abilities of HOP. You can read more about it here "Will YOU Make This Happen?"

So, to vote...DAILY...(hint, hint) you basically just have to be 18 years old, have a valid e-mail address, and not an employee of maurices. For more on how to vote, and for the official rules, see here...

OR...just skip on over to my official entry page and VOTE HERE!

Just, remember none of this can happen without your vote! You can vote DAILY. And, you can share it with your friends and family...DAILY. ;-)

Love you guys. Thanks for making a difference!

Will YOU Make This Happen?

Okay, so here's the new adventure I mentioned yesterday. I am trying my hand at modeling. Yeah. Modeling. Unbelievable? Probably. But, it's happening. Hence all the pics on Facebook you've recently been seeing. My awesome friend Emily has been helping me out.

Here's the scoop. It's an opportunity provided by the clothing store, Maurices. They're searching for "real girls, in all sizes". The 12 finalists receive a destination photo shoot, exposure on various media forms throughout the year, a $1500 gift card, and $7500 donated to a local nonprofit community organization of the winner's choice. That's what's so cool about this contest. I'm entering for not only a new adventure for myself, but also for the chance to win money for my church, House of Praise. The money would be used to further the community outreach abilities of the church. 

There's essentially four phases to this contest. And, that's where YOU come in. The first phase runs from FEBRUARY 27 -- MARCH 19. During this time, the top 100 contestants are chosen by the public. Yep, that's YOU! 

Each person is allowed one vote DAILY per email address. 

Don't worry. I will be sure to remind you DAILY on Facebook to log your vote. I might get annoying in those three weeks. But, that's my goal. :-) I know I have enough friends, who have friends, to make this happen! Feel free to share this blog with as many people as you can!

LET'S DO IT!  Help me embark on this new adventure. Help me earn money for my community.

If you'd like to read more about the contest here's the link

http://www.mauricesmainstreetmodel.com/about.php

Otherwise, I will post another blog with the voting instructions on Feb 27th...and everyday after that until March 19th. ;-)

Thanks, friends! 

Love, Kelly

Wait! I'm HOW old?!?

I know it's been a while. I think I was too focused on how much I did NOT want to turn 30, to compose a decent blog. Silly. I know. Nevertheless, it came and went.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about my blog and wanting to get back to it. But, before I do, I wanted to document the big 3-0. Because, it turned out to be not so bad. ;-)

The actual day passed very uneventfully. Just a regular day at work. I went to bed that night even more depressed than when it started.

But, that weekend, my sister threw me a fabulous "Breakfast at Tiffany's" themed party. It was really lovely. I was so thankful for every friend and family member who took the time to come.

Earlier in the day, prior to my party, I conquered a fear and accomplished a big goal. I ran my first 5k race. I know it might not sound like much to those of you who are regular runners. But, for this girl, with my history of health and leg problems, I was pretty dang proud. After all, I had just turned 30 two days before. ;-) My cousin and his girlfriend came and ran the 10k and my sister-in-law ran the 5k with me. My goal was to finish in under 40 min without stopping to walk. I finished in 34:43! 

To finish off the "I don't wanna turn 30" festivities, I took my first adult vacation...to MEXICO! My best friend from college and my best cousin took a three day trip with me to an all inclusive resort in Cozumel. 

I can't even begin to tell you how much fun we had. Actually, the three of us made a pact that we wouldn't tell anyone how much fun we had. ;-) But, I can tell you that our activities included sun bathing, fraternizing with other guests, snorkeling, dancing, and lots of fun with the resort staff...especially these guys, Tony and Mario. 

And, you know what I've decided? 30's not so bad. 

Homesick, Bumps in the Night, and Clean Sheets

I am 29 and 348 days old.
I have a dog named Boo and I hate cats.
I wish I was a legit writer. Instead, this is what you get.
My bedroom is usually messy. I don't like putting away my clothes. But, I make up for it with my need to wipe down my kitchen daily and straighten any crooked picture I see--even if it's on someone else's wall.
Lillies are my favorite flower. She's also my grandma. And my third niece.
I like coffee. A lot.
I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. I just paid off my first "new" car. I have a very successful career, and am a homeowner.
But, none of that matters to the things that go "bump" in the night. They still scare me. And I let them.
I've been told I'm too picky in relationships. I guess picky and insecure can look the same on the outside.
I've been told a decision will grow white hair before it's been solidly made by me. But, once my mind is set...it overstays it's welcome.
I've also been told good-bye one too many times. So, I tried giving good byes. It doesn't help.
I love giving hugs. But, I'm not great at receiving them.  It must be the wall built by "I am capable on my own and don't need you" that makes it tough for someone's arms to wrap around.
One of life's biggest little pleasures for me is sleeping late on a rainy day. There's something comforting about it. Add clean sheets to that scenario and I would be in heaven.
My favorite day of the year is the day after Thanksgiving. Only because I can't choose between the two holidays. I love decorating my house for fall almost as much as I love decorating for Christmas. Maybe someday I'll get to decorate and make cinnamon candy for my own family.
Maybe...
I don't really know where "home" is. Homesickness is a constant. I realize that keeps me from ever feeling settled.
There's a lot of things at which I'm kind of good. Nothing at which I'm great. I have a hard time staying focused on one endeavor.
Ask me tomorrow what my hobby is. I guarantee it'll be something different than today.
I love intensely. Hurt deeply. Live passionately. Fear much. Overcome more.

We All Wanna Be Loved

Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with how broken we are. So much hurt and heartache. I wish I could understand why it seems to fall into place for some people while others wait a lifetime and never seem to experience lasting love. And I’m learning that the more a person is hurt, the more they will hurt others—which just perpetuates the cycle.

Even if a person understands that true joy and fulfillment only comes through God, and that nothing can compare to His love for us (Romans 8:30-39), there is still a natural longing for a partner. In Genesis 2, the whole reason God created woman was because man needed a companion. I’m convinced that everyone feels that desire. No matter how much a single person tries to appear tough, in control, and all-together, they still go home alone. Everyday. And, we were not made to be alone.

I know that God’s ways are higher than ours. I know that all good things come to those who wait. I know that patience is a virtue. But, all that knowing doesn’t take the pain away from a friend who is making the tough decision to leave an emotionally draining relationship. I doubt she wants to hear about the “other fish in the sea”. Who wants to be the one to tell this guy I know that, “as soon as he stops trying so hard” he’ll find the right one…after two divorces? And, I really don’t know that statements like, “trust that God knows what He’s doing” will make it any easier for my new friend to ever trust another woman after his wife just decided one day she was done being married. Oh, and just forget about ever getting through to that girl who swears she’s happy being single…until she has one too many drinks and then will hook up with any guy who pays attention to her. And, Heaven forbid anyone ever try to love these people again. Because, what makes them think the new person will be any different than the last? So, they get too clingy to the wrong person or run away from the right person. Walls. Baggage. Bad date after bad date. Another lonely night. One toxic, abusive relationship after another. Failed marriages. Broken hearts.

I know this is a real downer of a blog. But, it’s something I have truly been living recently. I do know that broken hearts can eventually be mended through the grace of God. I just wish there were guarantees that the continual sting of loss, hurt, and rejection would someday payoff.

Sound Off (Warning: Adults Only)

Recently I’ve been thinking. I know that can get me in trouble. But, I think this time it might help keep me out of trouble. Hopefully, it’ll encourage others to stay out of trouble as well. Somehow I’ve been finding myself in random conversations on this topic and I have been surprised to learn that I seem to have a very different (maybe idealistic) perspective.

But, the final blog is going to take some time to write. I’m actually doing a lot of reading on the topic…both Biblical and scientific/psychological perspectives. In the meantime I’d like to hear your thoughts, opinions, experiences, etc. Don’t be shy. Everyone has an opinion. Now’s the time to share it.

I’m talking about sex. More specifically, “cheap sex”. What constitutes a relationship? And how is that different from “just someone I had sex with”? Do you feel that there needs to be an emotional connection in order for it to be enjoyable and/or fulfilling? What are your thoughts about the differences between guys and girls in this arena? Do you think there really is such a thing as casual or cheap sex? Or is there an inevitable emotional and/or spiritual connection that takes place regardless of the intention of the participants? Regardless of your past experiences, what would be one’s motivations for abstaining from sex until a long-term committed relationship (marriage)…if any?  

Okay, lots of questions. Time for lots of comments. Ready? GO!

It Could Have Been My Last

In talking this Friday with a coworker about my trip to Joplin last week to volunteer after the tornado disaster, I realized that I was scheduled to be driving through Joplin at the time the tornado hit. I was in Jefferson City that weekend helping my friend plan her wedding. I had planned to stay in JC through Sunday morning, and return that afternoon—placing me in Joplin around 5:00. I was busy all weekend, so I know I wouldn’t have checked the weather before leaving. And, I have driven through severe storms many times. I know myself well enough that I would not have stopped.

It wasn’t until late Thursday night before leaving for Jefferson City on Friday that I decided to come home late Saturday night to be at church for a friend’s mission presentation Sunday morning. I struggled with that decision. I was a little annoyed that so many other church staff was planning on being gone. I remember thinking on the drive to JC, “I just want to be selfish for once and stay gone all weekend. There are friends I want to see up here. I’m tired of rushing around trying to please everyone.” I’m now heavily sighing under the gravity of humility. If I had made that selfish decision, it very possibly could have been my last. And, on the trip back to AR, I was so distracted with my personal woes, that I missed the exit that I’ve taken hundreds of times, ending up on an OK turnpike, wasting an extra hour of pointless drive time. I was so frustrated with myself that I stopped at the Flying J in Joplin to rest for a while before finishing the late night drive home. Less than 10 hours later, that gas station was destroyed. This might sound dramatic and filled with a lot of “what if’s”. But, I don’t believe in “what if’s”. I don’t believe in chance. I believe that “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.” (Psalms 37:23-24 NIV)

After hearing of the disaster on Sunday, I was filled with grief and concern for my friends and all of the victims. I was immediately convicted of all of the pity I had been giving myself the past few weeks due to a disappointing personal situation. I was reminded that although I might not have everything I want, I have more than I need. And, I was compelled to organize a funds drive and volunteer with the relief efforts in Joplin later that week.

But, it wasn’t until this Friday, almost two weeks later, that the true reality and deepness of God’s love for me was revealed. I wonder how often He allows one heartache in our lives just to spare us from an even bigger hurt. How often do we miss His hand moving us in one direction or another? Or worse yet, how often do we curse the annoyances, distractions, disappointments and changes of plans without even considering that the temporary trials are often necessary for the eternal blessing? I forget too easily that God has promised, “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jer.29:11 MSG)

Lord, help me to always be aware of you and your Hand as you guide me step by step. Remind me to always look back to give thanks for what You have done for me. I entrust my past, present and future to You.

Take a moment to reflect on your path. Where can you look back and see God changed things for the better?

I'm Not Enough -Part 2

I closed part 1 with a list of questions that accompany the intense personality clash in which I find myself. There are several very solid characteristic strengths associated with the negotiating and exploring personalities. But, when those questions are played repeatedly, they very easily lead to insecurity. Weakness.

This assessment (as referenced in part 1) identified the three biggest weaknesses as:
1. Indecisiveness due to my ability to see many angles.
2. The need to please can make me placating and my trusting nature can make me gullible (which can lead to codependency).
3. When I feel betrayed, I can be unforgiving and hold a grudge for too long.

And, boy, are they right. Since being challenged to improve my critical thinking in college, I have been able to make more decisive and emotionally detached choices in recent years. Yet, still so often I find myself in an internal argument about what to do or how to think about a situation. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I know I rely too heavily on those primary relationships (who are decisive, tough-minded, and direct) to make decisions for me. Besides, I find my fulfillment in making others happy. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy. So I find a need. And I try. And I try. And I try to fix it. Sometimes I’m able to help. And it’s wonderful. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, there are things/people that just can’t be fixed with human effort. Sometimes they say no. Reference #3 above.

It’s in those times when I realize all of my passion; all of my intuitive, compassionate, empathetic, imaginative altruism is just not enough. Sometimes, things just need time. Maybe some things, no matter how idealistic they may seem, just aren’t meant to be. I often forget that my ability to be introspective and problem solve by looking at the big picture, coupled with ability to be flexible so that all parties “win” and my impulsiveness to see a quick change, motivate me to desire and search for a quick resolution. An intensive week of this passionate desire for improvement can bring results that could otherwise take months. This could be a huge strength—and an even bigger weakness. It triggers impatience, frustration, heartache, and feelings of failure and helplessness.

Words can’t adequately describe the angst I experience when I can see the resolution. I know how to get there. But, I just can’t. If I see someone hurting, because of my empathy, I hurt too. I can be with them for a short time. But, eventually (usually more quickly than they are ready) I’ve processed it. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to make it better. But what if I can’t? I have yet to learn how to completely take my hands off of a situation and allow whatever needs to happen. I struggle with the wait. Maybe it’s that there are things out of my control working against me and there’s nothing I can do. Maybe it’s just not time. I’ve found when I’m faced with these kinds of situations, the harder I try to make things better, the worse they get. Why? Because, I’m not enough. It’s so easy to feel depressed about that. It’s natural to feel like a failure. The reality is I DO fail. But, that doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.

I’m not enough to make someone happy. I’m not enough to provide for everyone’s needs. I’m not enough to always keep the peace. I’m not enough to change the world. I’m not enough. I’m not enough. I’M NOT ENOUGH!!! I never will be. I wasn’t created to be. And, I’m learning to be okay with that.

I'm Not Enough -Part 1

I’m not enough. There are a lot of things I am. But, enough is not one of them.

Stick with me here. Remember, this is just part 1.

Every personality test I’ve taken confirms what I already knew about myself. There’s usually a relatively equal distribution among all of the grouped characteristics. Although I consider myself to be highly introspective, self-aware, unique and individualistic, I can also be very adaptive to the situation and the need. I’m a need-meeter. This definitely has pros and cons.

The most recent assessment I’ve taken termed me a “Negotiator” and “Explorer”. The negotiator in me sees the big picture. I’m imaginative, empathetic, trusting, intuitive, introspective, skilled verbally, and passionate. Good thing I went into social work, eh? And because I can see people’s needs and am so compassionate, I tend to be altruistic and idealistic, wanting to save the world—even to the point of self sacrifice. This personality type will seek the spiritual, life-long connections. Interpersonal relationships are built around deep intimacy and loyalty (I’m talking about all relationships. Not just romantic.) So, all of this sounds great, right? How can this ever be a weakness? Just wait. I’ll get there.

The explorer in me seeks novelty. I’m flexible, impulsive, open-minded, curious, energetic, creative, and again…highly passionate. And I want to share these novel, exciting experiences with someone who is equally as enthusiastic and committed. But, since the negotiator is so agreeable, flexible, and affable, the complementing personality would be decisive, tough-minded, focused, and direct, yet calm and supportive of my enthusiastic, caring, and imaginative spirit. Ahem. Maybe you’re starting to see the problem?

This personality combination avoids conflict, seeks “win-win” situations, and will make great efforts to breed intimacy and harmony, especially in the primary relationships. Remember, I’m a need-meeter. I see problems and I want to fix them. But, in the primary relationships, I don’t want emotional dependency. Autonomy is admired. Now, add in the characteristic that remained constant in both personality types and you’ve got a highly passionate people pleaser who needs deep intimate connections with people who support me while I save the world and will go with me on an unplanned trip around the world. Anyone want to fill out an application yet?

Now that I’ve set this all up, I’d like to remind you that we don’t live idealistically. Take a moment to consider some of the many ways life offers disappointments. Think of how difficult relationship building is even without the intense, passionate personality that wants to fix any problem that may arise. People are complex. Life is complicated.

So, what happens when I identify a need but the situation can’t be fixed—as so often happens in this crazy world? What do I do when the need is beyond the means? Who do I turn to when the decisive, tough-minded and focused stabilizers in my life need help? And, how do I make sure I keep my identity and self-worth separated from my ability/inability to save the world? How can I ever be enough?

Compassionate Treatment

(Originally posted on my old blog 12/4/08)

mer·cy :

Compassionate treatment, especially of those under one's power; clemency.
A disposition to be kind and forgiving: a heart full of mercy.
Something for which to be thankful; a blessing: It was a mercy that no one was hurt.
Alleviation of distress; relief: Taking in the refugees was an act of mercy.

Have you ever found yourself stuck? Stuck in a life phase. Stuck in transition. Stuck in a time rut. "Lost in Translation". 

I have several Latina kids on my caseload and when I do family therapy with them I have to use an interpretor. I never really know if they get the full gist of what I'm saying because the interpretor has to listen to me talk for several minutes to get the full thought before he can get an understanding of my point and then translate that thought into Spanish. Sometimes what may take me an entire paragraph to convey, he may be able to say in one sentence. There have been times when I stopped to think to myself, "Really? Did you really say all that I just said in those few little words? Surely, you couldn't have said it as eloquently and as profoundly as I did." Okay, I'm sure I didn't say it very eloquently either. lol. But, the point is there is uncertainty. I have to have faith in my interpretor and trust that my advice and instruction is being conveyed properly and in the manner I originally intended. I've worked with an interpretor before who just said whatever she wanted. She was giving her own advice instead of what I really said. I remember just sitting there not knowing what in the world she was telling them and wondering at what point I lost my authority and ceased to be the "expert".

Do you think God ever feels like I did in that session? We take one scripture, one direction, one revelation and suddenly think we are now an expert on our own life. We no longer listen to His authority, to His instruction. If we only listened and obeyed, it just might work. Then again, there are probably also some times when we just have to have faith in our interpretor (the Holy Spirit) and trust that we're getting the right information. Still, I know there are times when I've read a Word or gotten some instruction and it just doesn't make sense. I'm lost in the translation. And, so I feel like I'm sitting in the same place for months waiting for the next instruction or for further interpretation. I feel lost. Or maybe you've found yourself taking a step in the direction that made sense initially only to get there and feel like it's all wrong. It's so easy to wonder, "did I misunderstand?" And, suddenly so many other doubts come along with that one question of doubt. "Why is this happening to me? I just wanted to do what I thought was right. Why isn't it working out? Shouldn't I feel more successful and fruitful if this is really His will? Maybe there's something wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? What did I miss?" And, before you know it, it's months down the road and you're in the exact same place you were when you started. It's that dang merry-go-round. That rut. That time warp. You feel stuck. Pretty soon you've forgotten why you even started. What were you seeking in the first place? You're thinking that maybe you should give up and start all over again. But, if the problem isn't identified and rectified, then the pattern will continue to be repeated no matter where you go or how many times you start over.

So, what's the answer to the problem? What will make the spinning stop? That's where God's amazing mercy comes in. In Lamentations chapter 3, for 20 verses Jeremiah laments, cries, hurts, vents about his current pain and affliction. Verse 21 starts out with "But".  I love it when a scripture starts out with "But".  In the English language and sentence structure, but serves to discount everything that was said prior to that little three letter word. The remainder of the chapter (vs 21-32) is an honest acceptance of God's mercy. Take a look at vs 22-23:

22It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

Even if we might feel like we have the same problem and prayer request for days and months on end, we don't need to worry or feel lost or stuck because His mercy is NEW everyday. It's like waking up to a new car in my garage everyday. I can drive it without worry of running out of gas, or of scheduled service, or of breaking down. Even if I have an accident and total the car, it's okay because I get a brand new one in the morning!!! I don't have to be overhwelmed. Did you see that? Because of His mercy I'm not consumed!!! Even when I feel unloved, or dare I say, unloveable...I don't have to worry because His kindness to me comes from His great love for me. When nothing else in my life is stable. When no one in my life is faithful to me. He is. He is stable. He is faithful. I'm not. I don't deserve it. I'm so selfish, self-seeking, and focused on my own trials and suffering, that I forget to thank God for His new mercy EVERYDAY!!!

I love the final definition given above. It says, "alleviation of distress...relief". WOW! I've needed relief for weeks. And, I haven't gotten it because I haven't let Him show His mercy to me. I haven't accepted it. Honestly, I haven't even seen it because all I've seen is that rut (physical problems, emotional pain, confusion, job stress, physical problems, emotional pain, confusion, job stress...)

God, forgive me for not pursuing you--for not asking for help and then accepting it. For not being thankful for the mery and relief that you offer everyday!!! I'm asking for it now. I'm becoming aware of your blessing and your relief.

Me Either

Have you ever had a thought process that goes like this?

I know that God has a plan for me. I know He wants good things for me. He is sufficient for me. But, I want more. He will give me the desires of my heart. But, I had the desires of my heart and now it’s gone. It’s okay because He is enough. But, why would He give me that promise and then not fulfill it? I have tried to do my best in life. I have tried to always follow Him and trust Him. So, why did that happen? And, why am I not fulfilled? The joy of the Lord is my strength. And I’m trying to have faith and trust Him. So, why am I not joyful? Can anything really fulfill this desire if I’m not completely fulfilled in Him alone? But, what about other people who do their own thing all the time? Why are they fulfilled? Why do they have what I want? I know that sounds like covetousness, which I’m not supposed to have. Yet, honestly…it’s there. I want to trust. But, when I feel this let down and disappointed…how do I do that?

I didn’t think so. Me either.

Don't Hold Your Breath

"Don't hold your breath." It's a phrase meaning don't wait on something to happen because it likely will not. So, holding your breath waiting for that thing to transpire would be impossible. Or fatal. I've also heard that phrase in the fitness world. Trainers emphasize the importance of proper breathing while working out. Many people, especially those who are not accustomed to strenuous work outs will tend to hold their breath. Other reasons why a person might hold their breath: to go underwater, in anticipation, excitement, to get rid of hiccups, or to wait for a bad smell to pass. haha...yeah... And, sometimes...we get the breath knocked out of us. Something hits you in the gut. You lose your balance and hit the ground. And, the wind is gone. I wonder if anyone has ever held their breath in anticipation of losing it? Like taking one last deep breath before going under water. Or, like I found myself doing last Christmas as I climbed the ladder to string the lights from the tallest pitch of my roof.

Lately, I've been catching myself holding my breath. Literally. I have to make a conscious decision to let the air go. The first time I realized I was doing it, I blew the air out and actually said to myself, "don't hold your breath." That statement struck me. Why was I holding my breath? And over the past two weeks, I've actually had to remind myself to breathe. How ridiculous! Who has to be reminded to breathe? And, the more that I make myself let the big breaths out, the more I feel like I'm giving up on something. But, breathing is a function of life. To breathe in and out every moment, every experience, every joy, and every pain is a gift, isn't it? So, to NOT breathe deeply with every moment would be giving up on something. Life.

Job 34:14-15 If he decided to hold his breath, every man, woman, and child would die for lack of air. God is working behind the scenes.

Job 37:10-13 It's God's breath that forms the ice. It's God's breath that turns lakes and rivers solid. And yes, it's God who fills clouds with rainwater and hurls lightning from them every which way. He puts them through their paces-first this way, then that-commands them to do what He says all over the world. Whether for discipline or grace or extravagant love, He makes sure they make their mark. A terrible beauty streams from God.

Gen. 2:7 God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive--a living soul!

So...when I breathe...I'm not just breathing in oxygen and out carbon dioxide. I'm breathing in and out...God! Yes, sometimes circumstances might knock the wind out for discipline, grace, or extravagant love (Job 37:13). But, if you've ever experienced having the air knocked out of you, you know what it's like to get that first deep breath back.

So, when I'm fearful of what might come and I find myself holding my breath, I'll hold fast to my faith and breathe out fear and breathe in God. When life happens and I'm gasping for air, I'll breathe in God. Instead of holding my breath in anticipation of what I want, I'll breathe in God knowing that all that comes with it will bring life.

Even if Just Tomorrow

I’ve been in social work for a total of nine years, including educational internships. I’ve been at this job, working as a “Mental Health Professional” doing therapy with elementary aged children for almost three years. It’s a tough career. Some days are better than others. There’s very little praise. Plenty of stress to go around. And, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve had my fair share of apathy. I’m sure this makes me a bad therapist but, sometimes when my life is really hectic, I dread going to work. I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems when I can’t even deal with my own. There. I said it.
After the stress and emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks, I was more apathetic than ever—a great way to ensure early burn out. So for that reason, along with many others, I committed to doing away with social networking (i.e. Facebook, Twitter) and increasing my devotional and personal care time this week.

Today, I have been hit with the gravity of my job. It’s not just a job, but an assignment. I’ve been blessed to be in the lives of these kids. Even if I don’t see much “therapeutic progress”, I know that I will remember many of them forever, as they will me. And even if not, then hopefully they’ll at least remember an encouraging word…even if just for tomorrow…then, I’ve made a difference in their tomorrow.

Don't Fake It

A couple weeks ago, I retweeted something from Carlos Whitaker (@loswhit).  He said, "praying for all the pastors and worship leaders who feel like they have to fake it tomorrow #gal2:20".  I retweeted for the simple fact that I've been there...a lot.  So many times I've had to "fake the praise".  This could be due to a variety of reasons: tired, sick, bad attitude, practice went bad, etc. 

However, I just now took the time to look up that passage that he hash-tagged. 

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

It took me a while to process how this was related to faking it.  Yeah, I know...it's not tough.  If I've truly crucified my flesh, then it's not ME up there leading worship...it's Christ.  It has very little to do with my abilities.  Without Him I would not be able at all. 

I think this generalizes to all Christ-followers' daily lives as well.  How many times do we have to fake being nice, fake joyfulness, fake loving the sinner?  Yeah, I went there.  Why are we so quick to forget what Christ did for us?  He loves me.  He gave himself for me.  He lives in me.  I should let Him live THROUGH me. 
So, the next time I "don't feel like it", I will remind myself that I no longer live.  All I have to do is surrender, and let Christ do the work.  Amen. 

In what ways do you find yourself faking it in your walk with Christ?  What have you found to help yourself surrender to the work of Christ?

What Are You Waiting For?

What are you waiting for? What do you desire? Have you ever complained about not having that object of desire? Or do you always show complete even- temperedness knowing that it will happen at the best time possible? I don’t.

God has been speaking to me about patience this week. I don’t know why because I think I’ve been pretty patient over the years as I wait for certain things to transpire in my life. However, I’m realizing that perhaps I haven’t had the best understanding of what supernatural patience means. I looked up the definition of patience and this is what it says:

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

Sheesh. Maybe that’s it. That word “restlessness” resonates with me big time. Has anyone else ever experienced that? It’s a horrible feeling! It’s that gnawing, nervous feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. Like you know that something is supposed to be happening. Maybe you have high expectations and know exactly what you’re waiting for. And, maybe you have no idea, other than the fact that SOMETHING is coming; surely there’s something more than what you have now.

Two weeks ago I had surgery. It was necessary to stop the chronic pain I was having. But, I knew the healing process would be long and uncomfortable. I had to endure the pain of healing in order to know what it feels like to be whole again. Those first few days were tough. It hurt. I didn’t know if I could make it to recovery. I didn’t know if I WANTED to endure anymore. But, I had no choice. I was in the midst of healing. I just had to wait a little longer to realize it.

Have you ever found yourself praying something like this, “God, let your will be done in my life. But, if you could hurry up and show me what that is and what I need to do to get it—that would be great.” I have. How do we exercise true, supernatural patience? In my women’s daily devotional this week, Rachel Olsen describes patience like this:

• “Exercising patience isn’t just an exercise of the human will. The kind of patience Paul is talking about (in Col. 1:11) is a fruit of the Spirit developed in a woman’s soul in tandem with God. It’s a virtue that grows from her confidence in the sovereignty of God and His ability to bring all things to completion, in His timing, in a way that benefits His children and glorifies Him.” (emphasis mine)

So, if I get irritated with the wait, lose my temper, complain, or feel restless, am I demonstrating confidence in God’s sovereignty? If I really and truly believe that God is able to bring all things to completion in His timing, and for my benefit, then why should I be restless? It’s not my timing. It’s not my plan. It’s His.

Do I have confidence in God’s sovereignty? Yes. Do I believe He is working things out and loves me enough to give me the best? Yes. Then I must wait. Patiently.

Let this be your encouragement, friend. Whatever it is you are waiting on or for, turn your attention away from the restlessness and focus on the sovereignty of God. He sees. He knows. Remember that He is able. He created the Universe. He created you. He is working things out for his glory and your benefit.

Ecc. 7:8 “Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride.”

Rom. 15:15 “May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other—each with the attitude of Christ Jesus toward the other.”

Col. 1:11 “We also pray that you will be strengthened with this glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need.”

Oooo...Say it Again

Thanks for reading my blog. Really, I appreciate anyone who is interested enough in my randomness to make it through these musings. But, I just need to set this one up by saying, please don’t give me advice on this topic. Please don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong or what I should try. Don’t bother giving me the latest, “Ten Ways to…” because I’m sure I’ve already read that book. No opinions needed. Please DO share your story, your struggles, your personal thoughts. If we’re going to be real, let’s ALL be real. Because I’d wager that nobody is an expert in this field. Heck, I’m supposed to be the “expert” here.

I’m talking about relationships. Specifically, relationships with the opposite gender.

Dating. Ooooo…say it again. Dating. (Lion King reference for you who share my affinity for random movie quotes.) And, that’s the exact emotion that word evokes in me. “Oooo…say it again.” I LOVE to go out. I LOVE to be taken-out. But, I HATE dating. Actually, loathe would be a better word. Disgust, really. Dread. I think you get the picture. I hate the awkwardness of not knowing what to say to this person I hardly know. Believe it or not, I’m not the best at carrying a conversation. Sure, I can start one. I’m pretty good at those short verbal cues that encourage the other person to keep talking. But, please don’t ask me to tell you about myself. It makes me feel like I’m at a job interview. Here, let me tell you all the wonderful things about me so hopefully I’ll get a call back for a second interview. No thank you.

So, this probably makes you think I’m doomed to being single forever. But, I don’t understand why it has to be done like this. I like to just hang out. I like to get to know someone on a low-level of disclosure basis before the first date. I’ve always carried the belief that the best relationships come from the best friendships. And, any good marriage that I’ve seen, the couple will tell you that the other person is his/her best friend. Not that I would know personally. Every relationship I’ve had like this ends up with me being in the worst place possible. The. Friend. Zone. There’s no return. Once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone. I don’t understand why the physical attraction and “magic” has to come before the friendship. If a guy and girl are great friends, enjoy each other’s company, and know the crap about each other and still care for each other, then why not “try” a relationship at that point? If the friendship is strong enough, it’d survive a possible break-up. But, this obviously isn’t how it’s supposed to work. At least not for me. Have you seen that movie, “Made of Honor”? Yeah, that’s my life. Well, other than the whole going to Ireland and falling in love thing. HA!

Maybe I’m not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I don’t have the stuff it takes to “flirt”, “hook-em”, and all that other crap I guess a girl is supposed to do. I just want to spend time with someone, have some fun, and possibly have them look at me as something more than “just one of the guys”.

Maybe I don’t know what I want.

Driving Miss Crazy

I have always been a pretty “driven” individual. You know, the kind of kid your mom always wanted you to hang out with. The one who, when in the fifth grade, made her first C on a test…and cried…a lot…during class. The kid who never did anything completely stupid just for the heck of it for fear that something would go terribly, terribly wrong. The teenager who took all AP classes her senior year and still felt like an idiot for not graduating with HIGHER than a 4.0 GPA. Yep, that’s me. Driven.

I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. I’m the only one with a Master’s degree—which I completed in one year thanks to being accepted into the advanced standing program. Oh, and I always interned at TWO places each year instead of just the required one, because I wanted as much experience as possible. Had to make the resume’ look good, ya know?

At the age of 28, I own a car, a house, a dog, and make pretty good money. I’m a “professional”. People ask for MY opinion. Judges want to know my recommendation before making a decision as to whether or not a child should be removed from the home, placed on probation, or sent to juvenile detention. Parents ask ME how to raise their child. Doctors consult ME on an appropriate mental diagnosis for a child. I have to decide whether or not a kid is mentally sound enough to return to school or if they should be hospitalized.

I’ve been published…twice. I have planned and executed new not-for-profit programs, which included writing the rules, regulations, training material, and curriculum. Students at my alma mater have looked to me for advice on how to navigate post-graduate life as my previous professors asked me to be a guest speaker to the top 10% of students in my program. And, what advice did I want to give them? “RUN! Run away. Go travel the world. Jobs will wait. Careers will wait. Spouses will wait. Just GO! BE! DO! EXPERIENCE!” But, instead, I gave them what sounded good. I challenged them to be driven. Achieve. Learn. Oh, and here’s “Ten Steps to Land that First Big Job.”

There’s a part of me that still feels less than accomplished. I hear about what other twenty and thirty-somethings are doing and I don’t measure up. Why don’t I have my own business? Why aren’t I married to the most successful man in town? Since I don’t have a family of my own yet, how come I’m not taking full advantage of this time by starting an orphanage? Surely I should be thriving even more, living downtown of a big city, climbing the corporate ladder, saving the world. That’s one side of me. I call her “Miss Driven”. But, lately Miss Driven has been tired. Tired of being driven. Tired of accomplishing. Tired of it never being enough. It’s driving me crazy!

Today at work, as I was too busy all day to even take a lunch break, I kept having images of me running away. I thought about how wonderful it would be to not be so tied down with a career, house payments, and responsibilities. I know what you’re thinking…”Kelly, that’s life.” But, who said? Seriously. Who decided that in order to be “successful” and a “mature adult” a person had to have so many responsibilities that he or she doesn’t even have the time and extra money to have fun? In the last week I’ve thought more about going back to work in retail, or back as a barista in the coffee shop than I have about how to become a better therapist. But, then of course I think about how that would be an epic waste of all the time and money that went into all of my “accomplishments” and it makes me feel guilty for even entertaining those “frivolous” and “irresponsible” thoughts.

I want to be laid back. And, I want to be surrounded by people who find it completely acceptable to be laid back. I want to be rewarded for how much time I spend being creative instead of for how much overtime I work. I want to take a year off from the job to write a book. I want to be in a big theatrical music production. I want to be free to have lunch on my patio. I want to decorate people’s houses. I want to plan weddings. I want to be in a band, and travel. Lately, I have been living for Sundays. I know that as a “good Christian girl” I should enjoy going to church. But, it’s not even so much the enjoyment of going to church that I look forward to as it is the simple thrill of worshipping God, leading others into His presence, and watching them enjoy it as well. Why can’t THAT be my job?

I commend those people who are doing what they love even if society calls them “irresponsible” or “selfish”—even if they live on next to nothing. Maybe they’re the ones that have it figured out. What if all of my efforts and accomplishments lead to little more than stress and lost time? Maybe I should start a support group for people like me. “Hello. My name is Crazy. And, I’m driven.”

Respect

Today one of my fourth grade clients opened the door for me.  I felt very respected and proud of him.  The principal also told me thank you for my work (for the first time).  Of course, this thank you was after a HUGE misunderstanding and a "problematic interaction" that happened last week.  Nevertheless, these are the things I appreciate about today.

Thankful

I am thankful for:
my family
friends
my first house
my canine companion, Boo
being the first in the family to graduate from college
a good job
a car that doesn't break down all the time
my heritage
sunny days
brownies :-)
change of seasons
the many life lessons that have made me who I am
high culture experiences
down home country experiences
a bed in which to sleep (I've been without this many times in life)
the knowledge and faith that my health will improve
random silly things that make me laugh
time off work
the thousands of people I've met through my life
the functioning of all my senses that allow me to enjoy these things
my salvation experience and spiritual faith that is constantly being challenging and strengthened.

More to come...